I know why Ted Haggard did it.
While I will never understand the homosexual urges that Ted Haggard may have, I think I understand what happened to him. There is something in a man that wants to bring it all down, especially those men who hold themselves to certain legalistic standards. But whatever standard you hold yourself to, you know that, from time to time, you have wanted to tear the fucking thing down. It is like when Lt Colonel Hal Moore is speaking to his soldiers before they go to war; "They say we're leaving home. We're going to what home was always supposed to be"(We were Soldiers). Yeah, we would choose the hell of war over this mind numbing peace. Or perhaps there was never peace but a war going on in our heads. To relieve the pressure we lit our world on fire and watched it burn. Bly speaks of a man going down into the darkness willingly and if that doesn't happen the darkness will come up and drag him down.
I don’t know what exactly Haggard’s issue was. This isn’t really supposed to be a analysis. I just know that alot of Men, big and small, seem to take their lives and crash them straight into the ground. Thoreau was right when he wrote "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation."
In my own life I see that I was resigned to follow my "Vocation" but really it was just the easy way out. My angst all through my twenties was good and right. Putting this away was hazardous to my health because eventually it will send me spiraling
posted by Pablo @ 11/12/2006 10:43:00 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Some guys aren't smart enough to have an angst-ridden twenties. And many would just try to be above all that.
Great post, bro! I especially appreciated being reminded of how Bly speaks of the darkness.
Your angst should be focused like a laser beam. You should use it to better yourself instead of just being an angry SOB.
Thanks Kobra. Scotch and good Rock and Roll helped bring it out of me.
I had missed a connection earlier. I know Bly's chapter on descent. I was probably 25 when I read it, and I felt like I was in it. You're relating it to vocation.
Is this a sense that what you're spending a lot of your time doing is not the right stuff? Or that it's like a building project of something where you don't care if the thing gets built?
I remember leading a reading group one night at a friend's house, and my mentor, the good doctor, showed up. We were reading T.J. Jackson Lears' No Place of Grace, about anti-modernism in American life. I was going over how some of the people, after seeing that things in the culture were going very wrong, never successfully adjusted back into life. My mentor said something like, "That's great!" A very different response from what many others would offer.
Older men are what we need. Not the ones who are trying to prop up the current system. But the battle-worn ones who remind you that these are hard times, so if your life is a mess, that probably makes sense. And as many mistakes as you have made, it isn't mostly your fault.
Is this a sense that what you're spending a lot of your time doing is not the right stuff? Or that it's like a building project of something where you don't care if the thing gets built?
Hmm good question. At times I feel like I should do something else then what I am currently doing. At other times I feel like I should become an expert at my job and make lots of money. The potential is there. I can help many people in my position.Why torture myself? If I were to jump into something else the potential for poverty is there.
And as many mistakes as you have made, it isn't mostly your fault.
I can tell you that my mistakes are 99 percent my fault
Drop me a line and talk about it. In the meantime I'll make an ass of myself and try guessing wrong and giving shitty advice.
I can tell you that my mistakes are 99 percent my fault.
Maybe. But that could mean a lot of things, and some of them wouldn't count against you in my mind. From what you've said so far, you've found your way into a profession that you can do and could conceivably become rich on. But your heart isn't in it. You think that if you had pursued your true love, it would have worked out.
Maybe. This is where I think people as they get older look back with 20/20 hindsight. They can see that something that looked precarious worked for others, so they wish they took that route. Except a lot of things that look certain turn out precarious. And whoever succeeded in the dream route might not have. They could easily have been in the state of envying you and your ability to make a living.
Life is a learning experience. Wisdom doesn't come easily. And I don't think that the new insights of one decade are always better than the ignorance of an earlier one. You can think you've gotten smarter only to later wonder how you knew what you knew at a given age.
I can help many people in my position. Why torture myself? If I were to jump into something else the potential for poverty is there.
Yeah. If you can help many people in your position, that isn't bad. It isn't all bad, anyway. If you're still feeling unfulfilled, that's worth working on. Well, we'll talk about that more, if not sooner, then in January.
Anyway, drop a comment on my new post.
Some guys aren't aware enough and are too caught up in the cultures dictum not to have "angst". They haven't lived a life. They don't face the reality of a vocation gone awry or about to go awry. They don’t face the reality of their own self-destructive unconscious. They're self esteem has been built up and they are confident and empowered in their choices and entitled enough to believe that they will always be successful and never fail. They are doing something so good right and salutary that God, Jesus, the Fates, Buddha, Allah or whatever will not let the darkness bring them down. It won’t let them shoot themselves in the foot. I need to re-read Bly.
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